What are some healthy ways to grieve?

Grief is healing. You don’t need to hold back your feelings — work towards accepting and coming to terms with your loss. A period of mourning gives you and your bereaved family a time to come to terms with your loss and your changed circumstances, pull yourselves together and get ready to face life in the absence of your loved one.Only then can you move on with your life.

Every culture has its own rituals and customs associated with the death of a loved one. While it may not be easy to follow these customs, they give the community a chance to express their condolences and provide support to the bereaved person. Special ceremonies on the third day, ninth day, thirteenth day and fortieth day after the loss mark the passage of time and signal an appropriate time time to start engaging with life again.

How can you grieve in a healthy way?

Cry your tears.
In our modern, unemotional world, we have learned to suppress our tears. But don’t be afraid to express your emotions. Don’t be afraid to cry. Let your children cry their tears too. Share hugs and comfort each other.

Express your fears.
What will I do? How will I cope? Grief can affect your thinking, as you’re not able to see things from the right perspective.

Talking about your fears can help others get a handle on what is bothering you, and can give you fresh insights into the situation. It is understandable that you may want to avoid facing up to such strong emotions. But expressing your grief is important to begin the healing process.

Get help.
Lean on a supportive shoulder. Ask you co-worker to go the extra mile and fill in for you for a few days till you get back on your feet. Enlist the support of your boss. Ask a takeaway service to deliver food for a few days. Let your brother or friend handle the funeral details and intercept phone calls.

Postpone big decisions.
Should you move from your independent house into a smaller apartment? Now may not be the best of times to make a big decision, although economics and practicality may dictate it. If you have to move, get your daughter or friend to help you dispose of personal belongings – or if that is too painful to deal with, just put everything into boxes to be tackled at a later stage. Just handling your loved one’s clothes can bring on fresh waves of grief (however, this too is healing).

You can contact a local charity or an old age home where clothes and furniture would be gratefully welcomed. You may want to move in with a daughter or friend for a few weeks or a month after the loss, so that you don’t need to cope with the daily chores and can get away from the scene of your grief.

Pray.
When you simply can’t talk to anyone, talk to God. Yes, you may want to rant and rave at Him. Why, God, why? Why did this happen to me? What have I done to deserve this? God has the patience to listen, and the compassion to understand the pain of your loss. Talk to Him. When you’re confused and don’t know where to turn, turn to Him. Ask for guidance. Trust Him. He will direct your paths.

Keep a grief journal.
Expressing your thoughts, feelings and fears in writing can have a cathartic effect. A journal is a safe place to retreat into when memories flood your mind, or you have sad, happy, even angry thoughts that you can’t share with anyone but your lost loved one. Your journal is like talking to your loved one in writing. In later months, when you read through your journal, you will wonder at the strong emotions expressed there, for just like a river, life moves on and you would have learnt to deal with your loss in a personal way. This does not mean that you forget your loved one. It means that your grief doesn’t have the raw, rough edge it once had, and you are able to cope with it.

Remember your loved one.
Talk about him. Remember your good times together. Let your friends know that it’s okay to talk about him, share anecdotes of happier times. Funerals and memorials are times when you and your circle of friends and loved ones can express your love and feelings for your lost loved one. Writing a poem or a song about the dead person or sharing a tribute, talking about old times together can all help in the grieving process.

Take action
Taking action can help you heal. Go for a long walk and come back with your mind more at peace. Your mind works upon your problems sub-consciously while the change of scene and pace does you a lot of good. Exercise releases endorphins, “feel-good” chemicals in the blood.

You may want to move in with a daughter or friend for a few weeks or a month after the loss, so that you don’t need to cope with the daily chores and can get away from the scene of your grief.

Don’t give up hope.
Jesus, the Son of God, knew death on the cross. His disciples felt bereft and alone. Yet Jesus returned to them in physical form and later lived within them as the Holy Spirit, their Comforter, Counsellor and guide. His Spirit lives within all believers today. Jesus lives forever with His eternal Father. We have His promise that we will live with Him one day in Paradise. And He gives us love, joy and peace and the hope that we will see our loved ones again in Paradise.

- Trixie Asirvatham