Dealing with grief in song

When you lose someone you love, music is a wonderful, uplifting, poignant and healing way to express your grief. Wonder why people who come to condole with you often stay and sing comforting hymns by your loved one’s casket?
Music is comforting, soothing and healing. Hymns of faith also give you the courage to carry on, despite your loss.

Sing a favorite song
You may choose to sing a favorite song of your loved one at the funeral or memorial, or have it playing in the background while serving food after a thanksgiving service in honor of his memory.

My Dad was a singer, choirmaster and self-taught organist and had taught us several cantatas and classical compositions (although we were part of a small choir at St. John’s church in Dehra Dun and could hardly be called classical singers!) Dad was always humming “Break forth into joy, sing together … for the Lord has comforted his people” which he taught us as choirmaster. This was the Bible verse from Isaiah 52:9 we chose for his tombstone.

At his funeral my brother played an old recording of Dad’s voice singing “Our Father“. While people came up in church to pay their respects by the side of his casket, they heard this song with its soaring notes of hope.

Slideshow and song
When my aunt Sheila died, I spent the day taking out photos from her many albums, while in the next room friends and family lovingly sang hymns of comfort. The photos were a way of re-living the happy times we spent with her, and the hymns calmed and comforted me. Later, I scanned the photos and created a Powerpoint presentation on her life, which we screened at the Thanksgiving service three days after her funeral. Her neices and nephews joined together to sing “In the sweet by and by” while the slideshow was screened.

This song had special significance for our family as Sheila Chithie’s sister Leila who could not earlier make it for Sheila Chithie’s funeral, was famed for playing it masterfully on the piano. This time she was present to sing the song along with us and to present her personal tribute to Sheila Chithie* with interesting anecdotes about her life.

Sadly, we lost Leila Periamma** in a road accident just one day later. At Leila Periamma’s memorial, she was shown on video playing “In the sweet by and by”, the song we will always remember her by.

Compose a special special song as a tribute
You could also compose a special song as a tribute to your loved one. Put in snippets and anecdotes about his life and special qualities. Select a tune everybody knows, if you want everyone to sing along. Or choose a few members of the family to get together and sing, perhaps have the congregation join in the chorus.

For Aunt Sheila’s first death anniversary, I composed a song to the tune of “Trees”, and we sang it at the cemetery chapel at the gravestone dedication ceremony. A month later, there was a memorial for Aunt Sheila and her husband Reggie for which I composed a song to the tune of “Sunrise, Sunset” from Fiddler on the Roof, which was sung by her daughter Nita along with two of her grand-neices, Priya and Nisha. The chorus was sung by everyone who had gathered to honor Sheila Chithie and Reggie Uncle, and we could almost feel the presence of our lost loved ones.

Music or song can convey feelings more emotionally than words alone can. Try writing a song to express your grief or show your love for the loved one who has just passed on. While you remember the good times you shared, the qualities you loved most about them, you’ll find yourself healing inside.

*Chithie: Tamil for mother’s younger sister
**Periamma: Tamil for mother’s elder sister